Our Ghosts Stay With Us
by jbn42
Summary: After his behavior while infected by the pathogen that sent his mind back to 2138, Taylor feels he owes apologies to many. One person's forgiveness matters to him more than the rest, but she doesn't believe he has anything to apologize for.


**Author's Note: **

This is the first in a series of Taylor/Wash fics that I have posted on LiveJournal, and I decided to post them here as well. They will be mirrors of what was published on LJ, except that I'm tweaking this one slightly for what I see as a continuity issue with one of the stories I added later. I'm just going to post these in the order that I originally published them on LJ, but all my BAMF fics exist in the same context for their relationship, etc.

This is a one-shot, a tag to What Remains, but the next ones are all multi-chapter fics, with the first up (will likely post a chapter a day for a while) being my finale fix-it fic. Rating is just for language and suggested adult situations. Spoilers for Season 1.

**Disclaimer wise, I just wrote this because I enjoy writing, no copyright infringement intended, and I certainly do not own Terra Nova.**

_Houses are not haunted. We are haunted, and regardless of the architecture with which we surround ourselves, our ghosts stay with us until we ourselves are ghosts._ - Dean Koontz, _Velocity_

It's late when Alicia hears a soft knock at the front door of her quarters. The knock has a distinctive pattern she recognizes, but she's more than a little surprised to hear it tonight. Dressed in a pair of sweats and her usual tank top, hair loose and soft from air-drying after her shower, she uncurls herself from the sofa, putting down the book she'd been reading, and heads to the door.

As expected, the person at the door is Nathaniel, holding a bottle of what Boylan claims to be like whiskey and wearing a slightly uncertain expression. She just gives him a small smile and steps aside for him to enter. He does, heading straight to her kitchen to grab two glasses.

After peering out into the night to see if anyone saw him enter, she closes the door behind him and heads back to her couch to wait for him. Moments later, he drops down onto the cushion next to her, plunking the glasses and whiskey bottle down on the coffee table. He pours them each a few fingers of the amber liquid, passes her one of the glasses, and settles back with the other in his hand, kicking off his boots as he does.

She takes a sip of her drink and observes him over the rim of her glass. He drains at least half of his in one go before leaning back against the cushions, eyes closed, with his glass resting against his forehead. Knowing him well enough to know that he has something on his mind, she remains silent, allowing him to speak when he's ready. She takes his glass from his hand and sets it and her glass on the table. Then, she scoots closer to him, puts her head on his shoulder, and waits for him to start talking.

As she sits there, her mind wanders to the events of the last few days. According to Elisabeth, most of what happened to the people infected by the pathogen that sent their minds back to points in their past can be remembered by the victims of the sickness. She claims that she can remember almost everything that occurred at outpost three, and Malcolm remembers most of it – at least what happened up until Shannon decked him, something Shannon admitted only to her.

So, Alicia is relatively certain that Nathaniel can probably remember what transpired after his mind returned to Somalia in 2138. He's acting as though he feels guilty about something. Part of how she knows this is that guilt is one of the few things that can leave him at a loss for words, something he can seldom be accused of. While she can't imagine what he has to feel guilty about, she can see that he's found something and is clinging to it in his mind, unable to let it go.

Eventually, she begins to get restless, so she reaches a hand up and runs her fingers through his hair. Her nails scratch lightly against his scalp, knowing that it helps to relax him but also knowing that he'll understand that she's prompting him to tell her what is going on in his head.

After another few moments, he sighs and opens his eyes, looking at her. She raises an eyebrow at him, and his eyes dart away from hers again. Tired of waiting and starting to worry a little, she says, "Nathaniel…"

He cuts her off, his voice even more gravelly than usual. "Why aren't you upset with me?"

She blinks. That's not what she expected. "Why on earth would I be upset with you?" He's still not meeting her eyes, so she reaches out and touches his chin, turning his face to hers. His eyes are grayer than usual, most of the blue faded out, and she sees the regret and guilt there. "Nathaniel, what's wrong?"

He hesitates before responding, a sure sign that he's avoiding the truth. "I could've hurt you, Reynolds and the Shannon girl. And I did hurt Shannon and Brady, and some of the guys on patrol."

"No." He raises an eyebrow at her, mimicking her expression from earlier. She rolls her eyes and says, her tone serious, "I know that's bothering you a little, but you didn't do any permanent damage to anyone, and you know it. This is something else, Nathaniel. You can barely look me in the eye."

He sighs again and closes his eyes briefly. Reopening them, he looks right at her this time. "Your ability to read me is a little disconcerting."

"Taylor, I've known you close to twenty years, and we've been sharing a bed for the last six, even if somewhat clandestinely. It was pretty inevitable that I'd learn your tells." He snorts at that. "Tell me what the problem is, Commander."

"Is that an order, Lieutenant? You do remember that I outrank you, right?"

"Not in this situation. You know our deal, sir," she adds a little sarcastic emphasis to the last word, "You aren't allowed to order me around with regard to our personal relationship unless there's also a specific military or colony business implication. And given the hour and the booze, I know it's not either of those. So, cut the bullshit and tell me what's wrong."

He gives her a rueful smile. "I never should've made that deal."

"And yet you did make that deal, and it has worked pretty well for the last six years and change. And stop avoiding the question, Nathaniel."

He jumps up and begins to pace, looking like a big cat in a cage, all coiled tension and power. "It took me to 2138. 2138, the worst year of my whole damned life, and to add insult to injury, it took me to the worst day that year."

"OK." She's still confused. "I know that had to be awful, but why would that make you think I'm upset with you?"

He goes on as if she hadn't spoken at all. "Ayani and Lucas had just been taken, and you were on a medevac chopper with three bullets in you, I assumed bleeding out. Most of the rest of our unit was gone. Everything was falling apart. Every single thing that mattered to me was being dragged away, and I couldn't do a damned thing to stop it. I was helpless. Completely helpless.

She frowns, worry creasing her brow. She hasn't seen him this upset or agitated in years. He continues to pace, now in a restless silence. Standing up, she approaches him with caution, knowing he has gone somewhere else in his head. She gets close to him, eventually stepping in front of him. He abruptly stops moving. His eyes meet hers again, and this time, he looks as haunted as he'd looked at Ayani's funeral, something she had attended against her doctor's orders, barely able to stand after the surgeries to save her life. She can almost see the ghosts hovering around him.

She reaches up tentatively and cups his face in her hands. When she speaks, her voice is barely higher than a whisper. "I'm so sorry you had to relive that day."

He takes a deep breath and looks at her, his expression guilty again. Leaning down, he presses his forehead to hers and closes his eyes. "Don't be. I deserve it. When I think of all the things I could have done differently that year, I…"

Alicia is stunned. "You couldn't have done a damned thing, Nathaniel. None of what happened that year, that day, was your fault. You had no way of knowing that they'd come after your family, and as for me, what happened is part of the job description. I'm a soldier now, and I was a soldier then. It wasn't your job to protect me, and it wasn't your fault that I got hurt."

He opens his eyes to meet hers again. "But…"

She tightens her hands on his face and kisses him softly to stop him from arguing with her. He tenses briefly as she presses her lips to his, but after a moment, he relaxes against her, his arms going around her and pulling her body to his as they deepen the kiss. They pull apart, once again resting their foreheads against each other's. "No buts, Nathaniel. I know that day nearly killed you. I know it nearly destroyed you, and I know you nearly let it. But I didn't let that happen back then, and there is no way in hell I'm going to let it happen now."

"You've already had to put me back together too many times, Alicia, both literally and figuratively. I can't keep asking it of you."

"You didn't ask it, and you don't have to. I love you, Nathaniel. I've loved you for a very long time." She takes his hand and leads him back to the couch. Once they're both sitting again, she turns her body to sit sideways, facing him. "Is that why you thought I'd be upset with you? Because you think I'm tired of taking care of you?"

"No, not exactly." She doesn't reply, just looks at him expectantly, so he takes a deep breath and goes on, "I wanted to kill myself because you told me Ayani is gone. I would have done it."

She nods. "I knew that would probably be the case. Why do you think I had my hand on my gun when I told you?"

"That's not what I'm talking about. You should be upset with me for being willing to kill myself over her when I had you standing right there."

Her mouth drops open in shock, and she shakes her head. "Nathaniel, you were sick. You were effectively living in 2138. You cared about me back then, but Ayani and Lucas were your life. What happened yesterday, it didn't diminish me or what we have. The past is part of both of us. I don't pretend to myself that you didn't love Ayani long before you ever loved me. She deserves better than that, and frankly, so do you. It certainly isn't something I'd ever hold against you."

Instead of responding, he just reaches out and pulls her into his lap, hugging her tight to his body, almost clinging to her. He drops his head to her shoulder and presses his face into her neck. "I can't ever lose you, Alicia. It would be the end of me."

She knows there isn't anything she can say. Given their jobs, she can't promise him she'll always be here. Instead of replying, she just goes back to combing her fingers through his short hair, letting him hold on to her.

After a while, one of his hands slides up her back and into her hair, and he turns her face to his. He catches her lips in a kiss that starts out gentle but only takes moments to become deeper, more heated and decidedly possessive. He slips one arm under her knees, standing up and taking her with him without breaking the kiss.

Almost before she realizes what's happening, he carries her to her bedroom and puts her down on her bed, and then they are rapidly divesting each other of their clothing. Over the years that they've been together in this way, they've made love pretty much every way a person could imagine, from gentle and slow to hard and fast and even occasionally rough. But this time, when they are wound together in the aftermath, Alicia finds herself thinking it felt different than any time before, more intimate somehow.

He's on his back, and she's draped across his chest, her head tucked under his chin, their legs tangled together. She can tell that he's still awake by his breathing, but she stays quiet, drawing light, lazy circles on his chest with her fingertips.

He tightens his arm around her and drops a kiss on the top of her head. "I know we usually don't spend the night, but Alicia, I don't want to leave."

She doesn't hesitate because she'd already been thinking that she wants him to stay. "Then don't. I'm off duty tomorrow, and I know Elisabeth benched you for a day too. Just stay late enough for it to be plausible that you came over for me to cook you breakfast."

Feeling him lean back, she looks up at him as he asks, "Are you sure?"

"Trying to take care of me this time?" She replies, earning herself a smirk and a squeeze from the arm wrapped around her. "Yes, I'm sure."

He drops the smirk and gets serious again. "We've just been pretty successful at keeping this under wraps, and every time we stay over, we increase our risk of being caught."

"I don't care. I want you to stay. I'm not crazy about the idea of us getting caught, but I almost never get to wake up with you. Anyway, this has been going on for six years, and it hasn't impacted our professional relationship or the colony. I'm not saying I want us to go public or to flaunt this, but I'm also getting tired of sneaking around like we're criminals." Her voice rises a bit at the end of her little tirade, and he grins, lifting an eyebrow at her.

She huffs out a breath as she feels her cheeks redden. Tucking her head back under his chin, she sheepishly mumbles, "Sorry. Guess I've been needing to get that off my chest for a while."

He chuckles underneath her. "OK, Wash. I'm staying. I'd hate to risk your wrath." She pinches him at that, and he grimaces a little before continuing, "You want to bet if we asked most of the folks who do know about us if seeing me leaving your quarters in the morning is a better way to find out, they'd give us an emphatic yes."

She snorts out a laugh. "Yeah, who knew Guzman would be the lucky one who just got told by us? The other four, I don't think any of them can look at your desk again without blushing."

"I don't know, Malcolm, Boylan and Reilly all seem to handle it OK. But Reynolds can't come into my office without looking a little bit like he's going to throw up."

She nods in agreement. "Poor thing. I think we scarred him for life. It's probably for the best that we stopped jumping each other in the command center, but I do miss abusing that desk."

He laughs again. "Did I ever tell you that Reynolds came to see me a few days later, asking for permission to speak freely?"

"About what?"

"Let's just say that he definitely does think of you as an older sister. After I told him to tell me what was on his mind, he threatened to kick my ass if I hurt you," he explains, "I have to admit I admire the kid's courage."

Smiling, she can't help but ask, "Did you tell him that if you hurt me, I'd actually be the one to kick your ass?"

"No. I told him that if I hurt you, I'd deserve to have my ass kicked, but that he'd have to get in line behind Guz, Boylan and Malcolm, who all threatened the same thing. Well, Malcolm didn't threaten physical violence. But he did threaten some sort of untreatable fungus." She doesn't respond, and he says, "Wash? You OK?"

"I'm just trying to decide if I should be flattered by all the protectiveness or insulted because they think I need protecting," she grouses, "At least Reilly didn't threaten you too."

"Honestly, she scares me more than the guys do. The silence and lack of reaction make me nervous. Knowing the kind of loyalty you inspire in people, I have a feeling her punishment might be worse than anything the guys could come up with," he pauses, "Except maybe that fungus. It sounded pretty unpleasant."

"New rule, Nathaniel. When we're in bed, we do not talk about fungus."

"Noted, Lieutenant. Excellent rule." His agreement is punctuated by a yawn.

She nestles closer into his side. "Good night, Nathaniel."

"Good night, Alicia. I love you."

She smiles and drops a kiss to his chest. "I love you, too."

The next morning, they're awakened by her comm chirping on her nightstand and Jim Shannon's voice saying, "Wash, you there? Wash?"

Still draped across Nathaniel's chest, she mutters, "Shit," making him laugh softly. She twists around and reaches for her comm. Pressing the button on it, she grumbles, "What, Shannon? Didn't Guz tell you I'm off today?"

"Yeah, Wash, but I'm on my way over there right now. Elisabeth went by to check on Taylor this morning, and he wasn't there. No one has seen him since last night, and Elisabeth is very concerned that he might've had some sort of relapse."

Alicia looks up at Taylor, who, judging by the look on his face, heard everything Shannon said. They start to disentangle. "You'll have to give me a minute, Shannon, I was sleeping in." She winces as it occurs to her that she just blew her ability to claim the excuse they came up with the night before.

"Too late, Wash." She hears Jim laugh, followed by a loud banging at her front door.

She clicks off the comm and tosses it back to the nightstand, huffing in annoyance when she notices that Taylor has started laughing. "This is not funny, Nathaniel," Alicia admonishes him as she hauls herself out of bed and starts looking for her tank and sweats, not sure where they got tossed the night before, "Get up, please."

He sits up, back against the headboard of the bed, the sheets pulled up to his waist. "Why do I have to get up? He's here to see you, isn't he?" He smirks.

"Yes, Nathaniel, because his wife is looking for you. You know we're getting busted one way or another, and I'd rather you be dressed when said busting occurs, thank you very much." She's dressed by now, with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. She tosses his clothes at him with a stern glare before going into the living room to answer the door.

When she pulls the door open, she thinks, "Shit," again, as Elisabeth has joined her husband on the front step.

The doctor speaks first. "Lieutenant, I'm so glad you're here. May we come in? We can't locate the Commander, and I'm worried he might be having some sort of relapse."

Alicia sighs, and she motions them in, trying to come up with a way to explain this that won't sound like complete and utter bullshit. She knows there really isn't anything that fits the bill.

She closes the door behind them, and as she turns, she sees that Jim has spotted the whiskey and glasses, two glasses, on the coffee table. Nathaniel's boots are also there, sitting by her couch. Jim gives her a surprised look. "Wash, are we interrupting something?"

She hears movement and a snort of laughter from her bedroom that the Shannons clearly hear as well. "Yes, Shannon, as a matter of fact, you are."

Elisabeth has the grace to look slightly mortified at Alicia's words, but Jim gives her a shit-eating grin. Alicia just shakes her head, knowing that Nathaniel is likely waiting to see if she is going to tell them the truth or try to come up with something. "To hell with it." Jim and Elisabeth give her a strange look, and she goes on, "Shannon, Doc, only five people in the colony know about what's going on here, and we'd like to have that list to continue to be short. You can't tell anyone about this, because we could get in a lot of trouble for it."

"I guess that means your…guest… is another member of the military?" Jim clearly gets her meaning, and he's suddenly serious.

Nathaniel's voice makes all of them look towards the door to Wash's bedroom, where he stands, leaning against the door frame. "Yes, Shannon, I think I qualify as being a member of the military." Jim stares at Taylor and then Wash, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.

Seeing that Jim is suitably speechless, Taylor turns his attention to Elisabeth. "Sorry to have worried you, Doc. No relapse here. As far as I know, we're in Terra Nova, and it's not 2138. Oh yeah, and Wash isn't my field medic anymore. She's my second in command and my, my…"

"Girlfriend?" Alicia supplies helpfully.

Taylor grins at her. "Yeah, that, for lack of a better term."

Jim continues to do his impression of a trout, so Elisabeth speaks up, "Well, I'm glad to see that you're OK, Commander," she pauses and looks over at her husband. "Jim, close your mouth, please. You're starting to look a little silly."

Alicia and Taylor both laugh as Shannon's mouth closes with an audible click. He glares at Alicia and then Taylor before gritting out, "How long?"

"Jim! That's none of our business!" Elisabeth's voice has a warning tone to it.

Taylor laughs and looks at Alicia, who just shrugs, so he turns to Jim and says, "Pretty much since we got here."

That appears to surprise Jim again, but he rallies more quickly this time. "And just out of curiosity, who are the other five who know?" Getting a sharp look from Elisabeth, he adds, "I mean, if you don't mind my asking."

Alicia replies this time. "Guzman, Boylan, Malcolm, Reilly and Reynolds."

"And you just told them all?" This question comes from Elisabeth, who blushes at her own outburst.

Taylor comes over and stands behind Alicia, his hand landing on her lower back. "No, we told Guzman. The others all found out accidentally."

"Accidentally?" Jim sounds confused.

Alicia blushes lightly, and Taylor smirks and replies, "Yes. We got walked in on in the command center. If you want details, just ask Reynolds what he thinks about my desk and watch his reaction."

"Nathaniel!" Alicia is now bright red. She looks at the Shannons. Elisabeth is giggling a little helplessly, but Jim looks downright horrified.

After a moment, Jim muses, "From now on, I think I'll be a little more respectful of closed doors in the command center."

"Not to worry, Shannon, after the fourth person caught us – and I really think Reynolds nearly had a heart attack – we decided that the command center needed to be off limits. So, you're safe there." Taylor is still smirking as he tries to make Jim feel better. He catches Alicia's eye, and she can't help but laugh.

Elisabeth clears her throat, getting everyone's attention. "Commander, Lieutenant, rest assured that your secret is safe with us." Alicia gives Elisabeth a grateful smile. "Now, Jim, I think it's time we were on our way. These two are both off today, something I'm sure is a rare occurrence."

As Elisabeth herds her still shell-shocked husband out the door, Alicia, unable to help herself, calls out, "Shannon?" Jim turns back to look at her. "Just so you know, the brig? When we don't have any prisoners, it's not off limits. There's just something about those bars and the handcuffs."

Jim looks positively ill at that, and Elisabeth pushes him forward as she laughs at him. Beside her, she hears Nathaniel huff out a laugh. She closes the door behind Jim and Elisabeth, and when she turns back to Nathaniel, he's giving her a partially amused and partially chastising look. "What?" she asks, all innocence.

"Evil woman," he mutters, a grin betraying his attempt to look annoyed.

She gives him a leer and moves to the table to collect the bottle and glasses from the night before. She takes them to the kitchen and puts them on the counter. Looking at them for a moment, she pauses, growing serious. She turns back to a still grinning Nathaniel, who followed her to the kitchen. She glances first at the bottle and then back at him. "Are you OK?"

His grin fades, but he crosses the kitchen in one stride to wrap his arms around her and kiss her forehead. "I'm better than OK."

Wrapping her arms tight around his waist, she presses her body to his. "So, after I scrounge up some breakfast for us, what do you want to do today?"

"Not sure. Do you have any suggestions?" He frowns disapprovingly when she pulls away from him to start rummaging through her pantry.

She notices and smirks at him. "Well, I usually spend my days off thinking about work, so I may not be the best source of ideas for this." She grabs some bread and moves to the refrigerator to look and see what she has in there, knowing he probably knows that she's teasing him.

She grins as she hears him come up behind her. He grips her hips and pulls her backwards into him, her back pressed to his chest. A moment later, she feels his hot breath on her ear as he nearly growls, "I'm pretty sure we don't have any prisoners in the brig right now."

Her breath catches at his words, and he uses his hands on her hips to turn her to face him. As soon as she is turned, he captures her lips in a searing kiss. Briefly, she seems to lose the ability to form a coherent thought, but by the time they pull apart due to lack of oxygen, she's got new plans for their morning. She ducks out of his arms and heads for her bedroom, leaving him looking a little confused. "Wash? Where are you going?"

Casting a downright wicked look over her shoulder, she says, "To hell with breakfast. I'm going to get my cuffs." He looks down, laughing and shaking his head.

"And Nathaniel?" she calls, getting him to look back up at her, "Since it really seems like anything involving the brig crosses into the realm of colony business, I guess that means you get to be the one in charge."


End file.
